Monday, August 15, 2005

Yeah, Baby!

Is it just me or does anyone else think that Lucy Mangan from The Guardian is ridiculously hot. Don't know what it is - something about her little smile, those quizzical eyebrows, that head girl haircut. Yummy. And that's not a word I use often.

It's certainly not her writing that does it for me, not that there's anything wrong with it per se, but she is unfortunately the type of journalist that surely cannot long continue to exist, that is, the 'columnist'. These people have basically made a jolly good, self indulgant and freebie loaded living since the 1960's by producing a few hundred low-level amusing words every week about what happened to them, how this reflects the current cultural zeitgeist, and why their inane ramblings are of paramount importance and significance.

Some of them are good, like the wonderful Nicolas Lezard of Slack Dad fame, some of them are ridiculously lionized and over-indulged (stand up one J. Burchill) and some are just utterly shit - Barbara Ellen please collect your prize.

But what they will all surely be in the not too distant future is unemployed. I mean how long can it be before newspapers cotton on to the fact that there are millions of people around the world doing exactly the same thing as these people only funnier, quicker and most importantly cheaper. Well free in fact. And it's all down to us, the lonely Blogger. After all, why shell out all that money and waste all that ink when you can get the same result from printing a couple of URLs?

Which is, of course, bad news for the hyper-caliente Ms Mangan. Despite her brave attempts to move into TV criticism this cannot head off her inevitable doom, after all any old idiot can watch The O.C. and then write 800 words about why they love/hate/don't understand it. So Lucy faces the chop with only her rolodex to protect her. Bad news for her, but not for me ;) Let me explain a simple little concept I came up with a few years ago - Carol Decker Rules. Should you be a bit sad and/or creepy you will remember Decker as the lion lunged lead singer of pop sensations T'Pau. Well anyway, as a schoolboy I developed a powerful crush on her, which is odd because she's not my usual type at all, but there you go - what can you do about it?

So I'm 15 or so, live with my parents and have a really bad haircut, what are the chances of pulling chart topping flavour of the month Carol? Exactly none, or just astronomically close to none? Well the answere is exactly none. But, but, but, move forward a decade or two, and where does that find us? I no longer live with my parents, am, in fact quite successful in my chosen field and have a great haircut. And hair for that matter. But where is Carol? Who knows? Cast aside by the cruel hand of fate anyway. T'Pau never really went anywhere and apart from some tragic semi revival type gigs Carol hasn't done anything since. Chances of pulling her now? : considerably improved. You'd think she'd be quite grateful ;-)

And this is the basis of celebrities who are said to be suffering under 'Carol Decker Rules'. Ex media darlings who have fallen on hard times and would therefore be willing to go out with mere mortals such as ourselves. Of course some people will never be covered by Carol Decker rules - Julie Christie, Catherine Deneuve, Madonna spring to mind - because they are simply legends, and others, whilst unloved and unemployed are simply too rich - Britney et al are natural candidates here.

And so back to Lucy. Whilst employed as one The Grauniad's self important chatterboxes it's pretty unlikely she'd go out with yer average Joe - she's bound to go for some bullet headed city type with a 6 figure salary and a flat in Chelsea. Plus all those freebies and invites to ghastly launches and offers of free holidays must be something you could get used to. But after her and her fellow hacks are thrown onto the scrapheap of life by us bloggers in the manner of a 1985 vintage miner, well we'll just have to see won't we. I think a year or two living in a, ooh, I dunno, how about Easterhouse in Glasgow and who knows, but you'd have to say that if you suddenly turned up in the local Cost-Cutter where Lucy is now manning the fag cabin you'd have to think that your chances would be improved.

Oh yes.

She will be mine.

One way or another.

Actually if I was being entirely honest even Carol Decker isn't really covered by Carol Decker rules. It's a sad world.

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