Thursday, May 26, 2005

Fictional Crushes

There was a recent meme (where from I completely forget) that asked if you’d ever been in love with (or at least had a crush on) a fictional character. My immediate thought was : who hasn’t? So here’s my top 5 fictional characters love list; in no particular order.

1) Jane Eyre. OK - she’s a bit of a drip on the surface, but underneath it all you know she’s a real troublemaker, and she always gets her man. If you ignore the fact that she marries Rochester after he’s gone blind instead of locking him up in the attic as he deserves she’s pretty much yer perfick heroine.

2) Laurie Juspeczyk from Watchmen. What more could you want? She’s a ‘superhero’ but also only too human, and somehow although she’s incredibly strong you want to protect her because of all the shit she’s been through.

While I was checking this out I did a little research into the Watchmen web presence and, surprise surprise it’s *HUGE*. I mean weirdly huge

3) Eleanor Rigby. OK, I know this one’s just creepy. Superman complex again. Fucked up anyhow.

4) The woman off the cover of Permanent Waves by Rush. Technically again not a fictional person in the strictest sense (some model s’pose) but somehow the picture makes her into a fictional person, there’s some sort of back story, some alternate reality she exists in. Of course it *might* just be Donna Reed. Which would be weird.

5) Christiane F. A totally real person actually and still alive. I read the book in 1983 aged 14 on holiday with my parents in Sidmouth. Let me tell you the thought of being a rent boy on the Kurfenstrasse and hanging out with Christiane seemed like a pretty attractive prospect at the time. Also it’s in the past, done and dusted, you can never go back, and hence the romance, and hence totally fictional, and still counts.



Can you blame me?

I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle.

Only too true unfortunately, nothing seems to be working for me at the moment. Can’t get out of bed. At all. yesterday spent approximately 18 out of the 24 hours asleep. Haven’t really eaten or dunk anything either - not hungry, not thirsty. Did drink a cup of tea about 3.30 this morning. Milk a bit off, but who cares - skim lumps out with tea strainer.

Actually lucky about the sleep - waking hours were pretty much ruled out due to incredible throbbing head. Bad. Second (near) migraine in 6 weeks - not like me at all - probably lack of exercise, terrible diet, impossibly irregular sleep patterns etc.

In fact the only constant about my sleeping is that i am awake to see the dawn every single goddam day. It’s starting to get to me. Don’t want to talk to anyone, am avoiding flatmates, turned my phone off. Worried about last weekend - possible might have finally done something I’m not going to walk away from.

And supposed to be having a bbq at the weekend.

Bills piling up, can’t pay them. Have the money, money no problem, just can’t seem to make the phone calls . . . bailiffs arriving soon. Don’t care. Sleep beckons. Yes.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Two little words

2 words I'd be happy to never hear again : Star Wars

When the original came out I loved it. I was eight. I really liked the Empire Strikes Back too, but even I could tell that Revenge of the Jedi was, not to put too fine a point on it, a bit wank.

Fast forward X years and we come to Episode I. Guys - here is the definitive definition. Everything that was cack about Revenge had been magnified to fill the movie and everything that was good about IV had been completely replaced with entire segments that were clearly only in the movie so as to provide an element for the video game.

I still don't know what happened in episode I. I've tried to see it twice and fell asleep in the first 20 minutes both times. Nuff said - that was the end for me and Mr Lucas and the marketing franchise from a galaxy far far away.

Somehow I ended up seeing II as well, but again couldn't tell you the slightest thing about it. Not even the presence of Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor could stop me falling asleep again. Were they in I as well??? Actually I fell asleep in Spiderman & Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy too, and I like sci-fi movies. Imagine if you didn't?? You might not emerge alive at all . . .

Anyway, nothing on this Earth will get me into the Sith thingy. For the record if anyone asks you about Star Wars, to avoid wasting one more precious second on this bunkum, memorize and repeat :-

Star Wars was once great. But now it's shit and everyone associated with it should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Question for Americans: What's with the cinnamon fixation? Seriously you guys are crazy for the stuff.

Please tell me that Cinnabon is something other than a retail outlet dedicated to the sale of all bakery and beverage products in someway cinnamon themed. No ???

one of the problems with all these file stealing sharing progs is the amount of crap you end up with that you would never normally have in a million years. Billy Ocean? Lynard Skynard? Shirely Bassey ffs?

On the plus side there's no need to feel guilty because you would never have bought any of this garbage in the first place. Oooh - Garbage . . .


when you're trying to connect your brand fucking new fucking fucking £200 fucking camera to the fucking computer and it simply refuses to upload anything that's one thing. Then it reformats the memory card for you without asking.

fucking fucking arrrrgghh.

then it won'd do anything at all anymore. all it will give you is an error message saying 'card not formatted'. Eventually after much searching you find the impossibly thick manual and start going through it. Some little while later you eventually find the section on error messages and there it is :-

MESSAGE : card not formatted

SOLUTION : format the card

Monday, May 23, 2005

Well, crap.

Bugger it but it's been a busy couple of weeks, most if which is too tedious to even mention. I did end up getting The Spanish Archer again, so once more have to find gainful employment. Bag of shite.

Apart from that a couple of interesting incidents - notably going and seeing Phil's twins - very cute babies, er, and that's about it I think . . .

So apart from that it's pretty much business as usual, or not business. I would like to say tho that after yesterday I am NEVER EVER drinking again as long as I live. Serioulsy I thought about 3 o'clock I was actually in danger of expiring. Not too clever, Pan, not clever at all. I think that was probably my worst hangover OF ALL TIME, and trust me, I've had some doozies. Anyway, it was bad enough to be actually scary. Eeesh. It was caused by going out Friday, getting blasted, staying up all night with no sleep, drinking during the day and then applying a 6 hour lager and red wine booze-athon.

There was a good(ish) reason for all this - I was in friend support mode. As per. Anyway, I'm not certain because I can't really remember anything that happened after about 11, but there's a distinct possibility that I might have professed undying love to someone it was totally inappropriate to do so to . . . way to go, dude.



One other problem with world shattering hangovers is the totally uncontrollable hangover horn. I know I'm not the only one to experience this, but the more hungover I am the more it puts me in the mood. Still jerking off 7 times in one day can't be normal, can it? I mean I'm 35 ffs, I shouldn't even be capable of doing that, never mind wanting to . . . actually quite impressive, not to say alarming if you think about it . . .

Friday, May 06, 2005

Boring Boring Boring.

Yesterday’s election was the dullest thing in the history of dull elections. And that’s dull. I did vote in the end – hauled myself down to the local pikey kids community hall (complete with 70’s style ‘disco’ lights and chip tray scurf around the door and had my usual conversation with the polling booth operatives. Who are these people? Why are they so retarded? Are they local council employees who normal most taxing task is working out how much crown green bowls should cost for the over 75’s with a leisure card, but not qualifying for a winter hardship allowance.

Anyway during the time she was poring over the sheets of A4 with her inch and a half long HB I had time to (upside down from 4 feet away) spot myself, my flatmates, both my neighbours and the guvnor from the pub round the corner. In the end I put her out of her misery and just showed her where I was.

Bastard Amazon

My copy of The O.C. series 1 has still not arrived!!

How can this be? They’ve delivered the New Optimum Nutrition Bible which I ordered after the O.C. and is frankly as dull a book as anyone could humanly hope for : 558 pages and no pictures. The odd diagram of the progesterone breakdown cycle, that sort of thing but no amusing pictures of obese Mexican traffic cops or close ups of a goitre. Tchhuhh. Does have an index though which is handy, but more to the point WHERE IS MY O.C.?

Somewhere in London some bastard tea leaf postie is settling down to 26 episodes of over-tanned over-aerobisised teen twaddle, and it should be me instead. Will have to console myself with recent purchases of Six Feet Under S2, A very peculiar practise, and OMG : World of Warcraft.

That’s it, I am officially Too Lame To Live. Hmmm . . . Too Lame To Live = TLTL = (TL)²