Monday, December 08, 2003

OK – can easily come up with 25 reasons why it’s good to be single, and I’m sure with minimum effort come up with loads more.

1) Nobody you have to ring to tell when you’ll be back (ie tomorrow)
2) No-one you have to ask if you can go to the pub
3) Going out with other people is OK
4) Going out full-stop is OK
5) You can see your mates with personality problems without having to apologise in advance for them or their far right wing views/obvious anger issues/prostitute addiction.
6) Can indulge in pornography to its logical conclusion
7) Don’t have to hide pornography under the floorboards
8) Can leave pornography in open view and adopt a ‘more liberal than thou’ / ‘Like I care what YOU think’ attitude with casual visitors. NB Not recommended with parent’s new partner.
9) Cheaper
10) Won’t be nagged about why haven’t been to the doctor to have that unsightly mole / open sore / sucking chest wound sorted out yet.
11) Don’t have to eat all that vegetarian crap
12) Booze, cigarettes and drugs addictions can be indulged in unchecked
13) Lateness for work only chastisable by boss.
14) No more beach holidays
15) Death Metal / West Coast Rap / Genesis now allowed at all volumes
16) Sheet changing no longer has equal criticality to wearing clothes out
17) You can wear your PJs & dressing gown out.*
18) No need to feign interest in partner’s night course.
19) Can eat all the raw fish / KFC / green lentils / chupa chups / garlic you want.
20) Crappy old sweatshirt & shorts all weekend = fine
21) Quality of toilet paper is once more unimportant
22) Getting up at 3.25 am to make pate sandwich is undisturbed by moans about indigestion.
23) Indigestion can be suffered without cries of ‘I told you so’.
24) No longer need to warn friends in advance about the poetry.
25) Unlimited shouting at the television privileges.

*Someone else was talking about this recently but I can’t remember whom . . . Jules once went all round the shopping centre at Blackhorse Road in her’s . . .never been a big one for it myself but I once played a few games of pool against some geezer in his dressing gown in a pub in Hoxton years before it got all tarted up and was still pretty much like this:-

In 1568, the Portuguese ambassador had a house on Hoxton Street and opened up his private chapel so that English Catholics could join in the Mass - forbidden in local parish churches. The breach in the law brought out the parish constables, but the ambassador and his guests drew their swords on the representatives of the law, who beat a hasty retreat, pursued by taunts of “vilains, dogges and such like”.

However I can only think of seven reasons for not being in a couple :-

1) Pity and condescension of the ‘loved up’ world.
2) Looking your own failure in the face and feeling nothing but despair.
3) The full realisation of both your surface unattractiveness and your inner ug
4) Excessive bouts of self doubt and self indulgence.
5) The endless crushing loneliness.
6) Will die alone in bedsit
7) Lover more calorifically efficient than hot water bottle.

No comments: