Well, well, well, um, try not to think about it.

Yes.

La di da, . . . think about something else, anything else . . .

It’s good to see that Britain’s Artic Blizzard (BAB)™ is proceeding as planned. For those of you lucky enough not to have to suffer the unbearable tedium of this let me give you a brief recap. Every single winter there is, at least once, some sort of dire “We’re all going to freeze to death in our beds” warning about arctic blizzards about to swamp Britain. This is an excuse for every public service to go into meltdown and the newspapers to print a whole load of crap about bugger all.

Well this year’s BAB™ has arrived and then some alright. Britain has been gripped in night time temperatures as low as -3° C (27° F) – with some areas experiencing up to, wait for it, 3 INCHES OF SNOW!!! YES!!! Predictably despite the utter patheticness of all this the ptb have still managed to screw up. Every road in the country has been salted and gritted to within an inch of its life put not one square foot of pavement has received any treatment. Mind you – that’s actually a good thing. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than watching a pensioner breaking their hip on the way to the post office while the suit driven Lexae spin merrily along. After all, gotta keep the wheels of industry spinning and old people are rubbish anyway.

So, in the spirit of the blitz and rising to the challenge of BAB™ here’s Pan’s guide to surviving the fiercesome weather :-

1) Wear a coat

For the elderly, infirm or those planning to spend several hours outdoors not engaging in any physical activity the following additional points could be worth bearing in mind.

1) A hat and gloves might be an idea.
2) Scarves are useful for excluding draughts.
3) Tight fitting shoes make for chilly feet.

Sometimes I could just hang my head and weep.

But that makes me think about you know what and once I start down that route there’ll be no stopping me.

Think about something else – do some work, anything, just try and stop thinking about it.