I just ate an orange that’s been sitting on my desk for at least 6 weeks. It was sort of fizzy, but frankly I don’t give a damn. Wish I hadn’t worn my clogs to work today. Actually they’re sort of trainers, but in the style of clogs. You can slip them on and off. Very handy in Japan they were too. But not so much use for navigating 2 inches of mud in deepest Hertfordshire.

I had a sudden urge at lunchtime to steal one of the horses that live the other side of the river (I’m really not making this up) and ride away but didn’t for the following reasons:-

1) Horse didn’t look too happy to start with.
2) Barbed wire fence in the way.
3) Horse quite muddy actually.
4) Horse eating bark off trees. OK I know deer eat tree bark, but horses? That can’t be right can it? Is eating bark off trees a sign of Horse Mad Cow – Equine Spongiform Encephalopathy. Doesn’t matter anyway unless you’re French of course.
5) I haven’t ridden a horse since pony trekking at Corfe Castle aged 7. The whole of the Isle of Purbeck is beautiful in fact. Definitely a nice place to go camping if you like it quiet.

Maybe I should have saved my orange for horse. But then again given it’s iffy nature it hardly seems fair. Actually do horses even eat oranges? Apples - check, grass – check, oats – check, bran – check. But you never hear of people giving horses oranges. I bet they’d eat them tho.

Perhaps oranges are like horse Kryptonite.

I know a married couple who regularly call each other horse in public. In fact I’m going on holiday with them in 4 weeks time. And Mistress Spider Claws too. Jesus.