I've been invited on a stag night. I have a confession to make: I hate stag nights. I hate both the individual aspects of them and the whole horrible thing in itself. But more specifically :-

1) The enforced maleness. This may have made sense when blokes only hung out with other blokes and the only women they knew were their mothers and potential wife material. This just isn't the case anymore, so why do we restrict ourselves to only 50% of our friends? Do we think our lady friends will be unable to take 27 verses of 'I used to work in Chicago' and the sight of a bored woman with tattoos and breast implants sliding up and down a pole? I don't think many women would want to attend a stag night as they currently stand, but if they were more of a regualr feature, they might. The whole scenario conjours up 1950s style Dr & Nurses 'hi-jinks' and golf playing mysogenists. It's the strongest indication of the outdated and anacronystic nature of stag nights there is.

2) The rudeness. I don't want to have my night ruined by sitting next to a dozen wankers in a pub singing limerics about someone called Mabel, so I can't imagine anyone else does either. It's just so fucking rude. I'm still shuddering about the time XX gave a speech in a restaurant and demanded (and got) silence from all the other diners. OK - this was not exactly The Savoy, but so what? Still fucking rude wherever you are.

3) The enfored drinking. I like drinking as much (in fact rather more) than the next person but I prefer to do it in my own time and at my own pace. I don't want to be told that everyone is going to a club now, so finish your drink becasue we're leaving.

4) I don't like strippers. The last staggie I went on was (partly) in a private room at a restaurant. Anyway this young woman got on the table and proceded to disrobe completely. She of course was completely blase about this but I nearly died of embarrasment.

5) The expense. The weekend (it's never just 1 night anymore) I've just been invited on has an entry level price tag of gbp 300 before we even get to booze, food and 'incidentals' (shudder). There is no chance of getting away less than 500 down. At the moment what with being suddenly jobless there is just no way I can earmark this kind of money just to get pissed with a bunch or witless fools I see all the time anyway.

6) It's completely meaningless. What are we attempting to achieve here? Some sort of cathartic blow out before the condemned man is forced into a fawn cardigan and never allowed out again? Crap. I don't know anyone who got married with anything less than 100% committment - there's simply no need for some sort of knees up. It's not as if this is the last you'll see them. You know damn well that 2 weeks after the honeymoon you'll be able to see the groom crawling home from the Blue Posts being sick in the gutter and with his wife being sick beside him. As is only right and proper.

In summary - stag nights are boring, mysoginistic, unpleasant, aggravating and too fucking expensive.

If it wasn't for the money I would just bite the bullet and go; rite of passage, once in a lifetime, you're a miserable old moaning bastard etc etc; but I so can't afford it. And I can't say that cos I'm fairly certain the guys would just all chip in and pay my way for me if I did. Which would make the whole thing infintely worse!!