I absolutely fail to understand what people can be thinking most of the time. Here we are in the middle of one of the jolliest political debacles for years and what does the great British public do? Only go and give Blunkett a 67% approval rating. Here’s the perfect opportunity to rub his nose in it and they go all soft on us. Depressing or what? I can only assume that despite the fact that journalists regularly come out even lower than politicians in public opinion polls most of us still believe what the papers tell us, to whit the largely reactionary press telling us that foreigners are a dangerous scourge attempting to invade our island nation and infect it with their filthy heathen ways.

So let me explain something about immigration once and for all. Britain is currently producing kids at a rate below the replacement rate (about 2.1 children / woman). “So what?” you may say, but this is basically very bad news indeed for anyone who wants to ever retire. Wealth, and in particular the value of pension schemes, is largely based on the number of people working / the number of people not working. The sums are simple. Aged population with fewer kids : everyone has to stay working till they’re 97 because there aren’t enough people of working age to support this demographic.

So when a bunch of gypsies turn up at Dover instead of shipping them back off to whatever God forsaken sink hole they came from the immigration people should be saying something along the lines of “yes please come in, and here’s some English lessons to help you integrate, and by the way, if you’re thinking of having any kids the national health service offers excellent benefits you know.” What we need to do is encourage people from other parts of the world to come here and have a bunch of rug rats at our expense. Why? Because someone has to pay for my pension and at the moment the kids from Jumblistan look like my only hope.

Dear Kids from Jumblistan,

As you may be aware some of us here in the West are having a little problem with our saving schemes over the lifetime (that’s pensions to you). It may come as a bit of a surprise to you to realise this, but saving money without a stable demographic profile is frankly a bit of a waste of time. In the larger scheme of things (and nothing is larger than pension schemes) money invested in the financial markets is really just a guarantee of a slice of the future earnings of those markets. If there aren’t enough people working to maintain the value of these bonds, companies or weird derivative bets then we might as well flush the money down the toilet. Either way we’ll all be working till our fingers drop off.

Meanwhile things for you don’t look that rosy either. You don’t have a pension at all, and your neighbours hate you because they think you look funny. Well stop worrying. Here in multi ethnic Britain we gave up worrying about people dressing funny long ago, and (disregarding a few local nutters, hem, hem) you’ll be completely free to practise whatever bizarre cultural and religious affectations you may have. When you add in the current dangers to you from pollution, local climate meltdown, political ostracism and exploitation by unscrupulous foreign multinationals it hardly seems worth the candle does it?

So here’s the deal : come to Britain (now re-branded Sunny Fun Britain™) and you’ll get the following great benefits :-

• A free* education for all your young family


• Local authority help with language and adult education


• Access to the full range of social security benefits


• Automatic local authority housing while you get on your feet


• Full employment at competitive rates


• Full access to The National Health Service (including complete ante natal care!)


• Automatic residency rights


• Full access to Sunny Fun Britain’s™ unparalleled range of retail and investment opportunities.

* Does not include further and higher education.

And remember, Residency + 10 years guarantees citizenship. All that we ask in return is that you shag like a bunny and have plenty of kids. No Jaffas.

Don’t delay – sign up today!

Yours in expectation, etc etc


I just don’t understand it. I suppose it’s simply the case that many of the people currently banging on the hardest about a ‘tide of illegal immigrants’ (courtesy The Daily Mail Government Policy Unit) are not the people who are going to have to face up to the fact that without these immigrants we are, technically speaking, completely fucked.

And I haven’t even got onto the excellent humanitarian and social reasons for allowing people into the country, to whit, most people only want to come here because their lives back home are unbearably shit. And who am I to gainsay them?