Saw Teej on Friday night and we didn’t get horrendously pissed. Well to put it in context I was already drunk when I arrived at 7.15 and we then drank steadily till (bit of a guess this) 3.30am by which time we had descended to the ‘You’re the most wonderful person I know’ stage but no lower! Imagine that. No vomiting, mewling, head injuries, police, ambulances or inappropriate declerations of undying love. We must be getting old.

Saturday saw me in one of those freaky restaurants where everyone including all the staff is about 150 years old apart from you and your inebriated chums. Somehow the conversation always seems to end up being about anal sex or CCJs or something equally delicious. The meal was actually pretty damn good despite the continual fear that my neighbour was going to drop down dead next to me and thankfully the conv didn’t get too unsalubrious as a certain Object Of Desire was sitting opposite me, thought I could probably have done without Dr Heartbreak grilling her as to her exact age for 10 minutes. The OOD is actually a pretty hopeless case – in fact one who already blew me off. But as anyone who suffers from the same psychological diseases as myself knows Rejection Only Fuels Desire.

Unfortunately there are few things so repellant to an OOD as unrequested and unwanted adoration. So I am ignoring John Lennon and playing it cool. To the extent of making up entirely ficticious ‘other women’ to ‘throw her off the scent’.

What other women?? What fucking scent?? Pan you are losing whatever fucking marbles you ever had. You are deliberately trying to put off a woman who has made it perfectly clear she isn’t interested anyway and all because you want to shag her. And the worst thing is :- EVERYBODY KNOWS. Oh God.

I spent the whole of Monday in bed. From Sunday night to Tueday morning was spent in a darkened room sleeping / bemoaning my fate. And I still didn’t have any good e-mails.