So Tony comes back froom wherever the fuck he's been hiding out and are the first words out of his mouth "I'm really sorry about Iraq, and I'll be pissing off now Gordon"? Indeed they were not. Quelle surprise. Instead we're told that Tony is looking at new ways of telling even more people how to live their lives : Blair to tackle 'menace' children

This is really just taking the cat's flipping biscuit. Iraq is tipping into civil war, Lebanon is a ruin, the Middle East is in turmoil, The Arctic is about to break off in one piece and Tony thinks he can distract us with this shit.

"His aides say people are more interested in problems like anti-social behaviour than in talk about when the prime minister will quit."

That is just pathetic. I mean really. We're totally used to Tony lying his fucking face off but seriously ffs! how stupid do you think we are? Tony, take a tip from me and just fuck off. The only thing people are interested in is when you're finally going to get lost and we can start cleaning up the colossal carpet of turds you and your bum chum Goerge W have spent the last 9 years expelling onto anyone unlucky enough to pop up on your radar. You're done mate.

And as for your policies outlasting you? Dream on.

The only thing that'll outlast you is the melt down in Iraq and the intense desire of a large number of people all around the world to blow us all up. Oh, yeah, and the ASBO. Actually I don't have anything against ABSOs per se, if only there was some evidence that they were in any way effective . . . still, time will tell, though clearly our great leader doesn't think they're working.

But seriously, Tone, who the fuck do you think is going to bing "some sense of discipline and responsibility" to these horrible kids you're so freaked out about? Social services, GPs, The Police? Who? Who? Or are you going to create a whole new department, possibly employing all those civil servants soon to be released from their travails at the Child Support Agency : The Department of Eugenic Correction (DEC)? Yeah, that sounds about your speed, you munter.

In fact, why not combine ASBOs and The DEC - go down to the park and round up all the kids wearing hoodies and gobbing at pensioners and have them spayed. Alternatively I'd be quite satisfied if you could manage a few more guards on the trains at night, get the police to actually do their jobs, and stop people from running me over with their flipping bikes on the pavement - your choice!

Wise words from the Donnas :-

You're a zero on the rock-o-meter,
You wanna get hot? go turn on a heater.

Haven't heard that for a while - heard it on Pandora. Which amazingly for a recomendation engine really seems to work. Still have some way to go before they're up with 6Music tho.

And speaking of hot in the last 16 hours I've eaten well over a litre of lentils and broad beans. Trust me - it's getting hot in here.

Yeah, Fuck You Pluto! You fucking loser. I can't believe you've been hanging around the solar system all this time passing yourself off as a real planet. You are, frankly, no better than some geezer who buys a dog just so he has an excuse to take it for walks and hang around at the recreation ground looking for schoolgirls playing footie.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Funny, funny, guys . . . . .

I hate tofu. I hate it in all it's forms. And apparently it's supposed to be quite bad for you. Yup tofu is now bad for you. Official. But let's face it - what isn't? Actully I quite like miso soup.

I'm still not going to go ut and buy a fucking hummer though. All the same, as they're a lot cheaper than I'd assumed I could afford one should I wish to. So if I was a dick brained panty-wad this ad may well have worked. Unfortunately for the Hummer people all the DBPWs (Dick Brained Panty Wads) already own hummers and I fear it's going to take more than a 30 second slot on Geraldo to convert a tofu zealot into Dick fucking Cheney.

Went to see Miami Vice last night . . . better late than never. Quite enjoyed it but very disappointed that there wasn't a scene where a cigarette boat takes off from a boat ramp over a causeway, is sprayed with automatic weapons fire (preferably from an M60 mounted on the back of a hot pink Subaru) and crashes into an 18-wheeler before exploding in a giant fireball with shrapnel flying in all directions and the camera doing a matrix style 180 to Gong Li jumping off the back of a pin-wheeling jet bike simply to kick Crockett in the nuts so hard his head turns inside out.

Now that's a scene I'd pay to see. That's the problem with these blockbusters - no imagination.

What do we think? White Goodman / Sonny Crockett - same dude?



I can't believe he kept that moustache on all the way through the movie. I thought it was some sort of comedy 'disguise' in the opening scenes . . . but no. WOW!

So I got back from Edinburgh and somehow I survived yet again. Saw a whole bunch of shows some of which were excellent (Leveland) some which were pretty good (Richard Herring) and some of which were frankly a bit poy (Lucy porter). Interestingly my opinions are pretty much the reverse of most critics, but what can you say? They're wrong and I'm right, mostly because I am unaffected by the vagaries of fashion. Hence Lucy Porter is suddenly a 'big noise' and hence 'great' even though her show is in fact a bit shit. Oh well - it'll all even out in the end. Was good to see that although levelland has had pretty bad reviews it didn't seem to have dented their box office one iota. Still that's critics for you - they know nothing, and they know it.

This particular holiday, however, was especially enlivened by my friend The Fat Doctor getting drunker than you'd have thought it would be possible to be and still live. Even Andrew Maxwell spotted it. From his lofty position on stage he peered into the late night audience and pointing at the good Doctor intoned "That's the drunkest man I've ever seen". And he wasn't wrong. During the hour long battle it took to get the fucker home we were laughed at by cab drivers who thought it was hilarious we'd even flag them down with this monster on our hands, avoided by the police (you could see their 1000 yard stare coming on as soon as we got within range) and even abandoned by the Scottish street drunks. Yes. While The Fat Man was holding on to a bus stop like grim death (why? - who knows) and refusing to move some ancient alcoholic street bum wandered up, started chastising me for me gentle attempts to get our mutual friend home (slapping him round the head, kicking him in the shins and attempting to uncurl his fat sausage like fingers from the concrete pillars) and began to engage in some sort of drunk-to-drunk bonding. It took him about 45 seconds to realise that The Good Doctor was not in fact a jolly inebriate who'd had one too many but was in fact a dangerously intoxicated psychonaut who could quite possibly kill you without even noticing due to his massive porcine strength and complete loss of all social imperatives. So he left us to it. Bastard.

I don't have anything against The Good Doctor but I've yet again been forcibly reminded of the one rule many of us now live by. never ever go on holiday with the fucker. And if you should happen to be out with him and he ties one on, just run away and leave the muggers/plod/hypothermai to deal with the situation. Actually the last one isn't really much of a danger. The fucker could fall asleep at the South Pole and melt a whole down to the centre of the earth before the cold would get through his blubber layer.

I'm very fond of the Orange, Carrot & Lemon variety of these Qu4ttro Satgioni drinks. The only thing is it tastes almost indistinguishable from the orang squash we used to get at my Grandad's circa 1978, so £1.80 / 500ml bottle does seem to be pusing it a bit . . .

I can't get Chinese Disco by Shonen Knife out of my head. I've forgotten how much I love these guys.

And if I have to suffer it, so do you :-